by Daciana Iancu, MD
Integrative and Anthroposophic Medicine
Today we had our 12th grade teacher-student review at school for my daughter. The words of praise kept coming. She is an outstanding young lady: confident, hard working, and able to stand on her own and not succumb to peer pressures. Her teachers see her as a leader and a role model to her classmates.
What did we do right, I wonder? I could easily list everything we did wrong. Maybe, it’s who she is, intrinsic to her. But something we did must have helped.
We eat meals together, work together, have fun together. I listen to her complaints, but don’t let her perseverate on them. I try not to prevent or remove difficult times for her so that she can develop the stamina and skills to go through them on her own.
As I sit across from her at the dinner table and ponder these things, I look at her. And then it clicks: I look at her! Not just now, but frequently, I really look at her! During our interactions, I consciously pause and look at her with an open-minded and open-hearted interest and curiosity. Who is she today? Who is this being that’s growing, changing, developing before my eyes?
When my critical nature arises, I try to pause and become aware of it. It has nothing to do with my daughter. It comes from my own insecurities, from my fear of how others might perceive me. It originates in my own childhood biography: my father was very critical of me and I inherited his voice inside my head. This voice comes up when I look in the mirror, when I make mistakes, and especially when I scroll on social media. I compare myself with others: my looks, my success, even my daughter’s success. I asked my father once why he was so critical of me. “Because it will help you become the best version of yourself,” he said. I realized it came from love! While the delivery was not supportive, his intention came from the desire for me to reach my highest potential, and he did it in the only way he knew, the way he learned this from his own father. Now I have the opportunity to practice transforming that critical voice inside into a more supportive manifestation of the loving intention it came from.
My mother, on the other hand, was never critical. She constantly saw the best version of me and trusted that I would make the best choices for my life. That pushed me to live up to her trust in me.
Knowing my own biography helps me stay aware of my reactions to my daughter. Being aware of my own critical nature helps me disentangle it from my perception of her so that I can look at her with curiosity and equanimity. I try to leave room for her to have her own preferences, opinions, and her own voice. Everyday she is a new person, and I try to look at her with new and curious eyes. Who are you today? What interests you? What challenges you?
In Anthroposophy, Steiner guides us to see the highest version of our children, their soul and spirit. Who are they? What are they here to do? What speaks to them? We can learn these things about our children not through asking them these questions directly, but through observing them quietly, from an equanimous place of interest and love. I try to see my daughter’s intrinsic nature, her natural inclinations and imagine who she is at her core, on a soul and spirit level.
This practice helps the children develop a strong sense of self-confidence. If the eyes are the windows to the soul, can they see in our eyes the interest, love, acceptance and confidence we have for them and their life’s journey? Do we reflect the trust that they will reach the highest version of themselves?
If they can feel the trust and acceptance coming from us, they are more likely to be able to stand on their own and not succumb to peer pressures that prevent them from reaching their potential. They can feel good about themselves even when social media messages convey that they don’t measure up. They develop their own compass of success that is stronger than the outside messages. When doubt arises – “Am I ok? Do I fit in?” they find the trust and confidence in them reflected in our eyes. This helps them face the world with more self assurance.
One of the lures of social media is the dopamine release it provides from instant gratification and from “likes”. A child who is self confident and feels liked in the real world is more likely to participate in physical activities rather than virtual ones. These, in turn, will provide embodied satisfaction that is more complete than the media induced dopamine release satisfaction. Our job is to make it inviting for them to stay involved in real life by providing a safe environment where they are seen and heard and invited to participate. Assigning them responsibilities appropriate for their age and interest is a great way of doing this. By really seeing them and getting to know them, we can anticipate which responsibilities are appropriate for them.
Looking at my daughter this way: with love, interest, and lots of room for her true being to arise, has also been an excellent exercise for my own well-being. It has allowed me to look at myself with more compassion and self-acceptance. This, in turn, makes it easier to see her without criticism. Furthermore, it helps me look at others around me with a similar attitude.
Interest in another human being is one of the highest forms of love. As teachers, doctors, and parents, when we look at our children with interest and support them from a place of love and conscious awareness, we help them realize their potential. We help them become confident human beings who can withstand the pressures that arise from peers and social media.
Maybe we can all look at each other this way a little more and ask ourselves: Who are you? What interests you? What is meaningful to you? What makes your heart sing? Who are you today? Maybe this will help us bridge our differences and cultivate more love and compassion for each other. After all, we have more in common than we think, more that unites us than divides us!